What are you afraid of?

I admit it: I am scared of the dark. So if I am the only adult at home, I sit around late at night shopping for ridiculously overpriced bed linens (that I could never afford) while talking to the dog about how busy I am and I wish I didn’t “have” to be up so late. Yes, it’s an issue, and while I am glad you all grew out of that when you turned 4, I did not. So here I sit in the light, typing this, while lamenting with the dog about our late nights.

My Partner in crime, TxGruntwife (A.K.A. the dollar store flower thief) and I were covering some of the many reasons I am perfectly safe alone in the dark. I may live in an old farm house, outside of screaming distance from any of my neighbors, in a region where we suffer regular power outages, and have no cell service, and have a protection order against my stalker… but still, there are many reasons I cannot fit the horror movie victim profile:

1.) I am not a blonde with giant plastic knockers. Sorry if I just ruined anyone’s fantasy, but the unfortunate reality is I am probably less hot than you imagined. Everyone knows in the horror movie it is always a pretty girl who gets killed by the fisherman in the rain-slicker (which could be half the population of New England), or the deranged logger (half the population of the Pacific Northwest). So my chances of surviving the night increased slightly thanks to my bra size and dirt-colored hair.

2.) While we are on the topic of appearance, my wardrobe may just save my life! Anyone ever see the victim get offed while wearing her husband’s faded PT gear and fuzzy slippers? I think not. So while, they may not be flattering, the OD green may just save my life. (Bonus: stretchy waistband for the late-night snacking done while waiting to be killed by logger-fishermen.)

By the way, the dog has now given up on me and begun snoring as I write this. Apparently his concern about boogie men is slightly less than his concern for napping.

3.) I am also lacking the necessary tools to fend off a serial killer. Such things as large, dull kitchen knives are not existent in my home. Also conspicuously missing from the set are: little-league baseball bats, hockey sticks, brass candle sticks and other random, ineffective self-defense items. Though I admit the legos strung across the floor of my house would be a good deterrent to anyone not wearing heavy-soled boots… The movie is never as exciting when the victim takes down the creep with a 12 gauge as he is coming through the front door. (Actually that would be rather anti-climactic, don’t you think?)

4.) The final missing element is the cast of characters. Every axe-murderer film has some essentials: the jock, the hunky love interest, the security guard/cop/former SEAL who dies saving everyone else, the nerd that should have been picked off first, but somehow survives (to hook up with Miss blond Plastic-chest) and the best friend who shows up at the end to wrap a blanket around the wet, but triumphant victim. (My bestie lives entirely too far away to drive that far just to wrap a blanket around my wet shoulders. ..also, it is not wet where I live, so I do not see this need. So never mind that…)

All in all, I think I am safe from the blue collar ax-murderer crowd. However, I think I might get eaten by wolves…


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